Post-pandemic, the conversation around loneliness has gotten more honest. For moms especially, the pressure to “build your crew” is relentless. Some people make it look effortless, but for the rest of us, the struggle is very real.
I’m speaking from an SF perspective, but I think this applies to transplant cities broadly. Neither my husband nor I are from here; we came, we stayed, and we committed. What I wish I’d known sooner is that most people raising kids in a transplant city already have a network built in through birth, school, or some longer-term connection.
This should seem obvious, but when I was in the thick of it, I genuinely didn’t clock it. I went to mom meetup after mom meetup, signed up for online activities, and chatted everyone up at preschool, yet I kept hitting the same walls.
What I’ve Learned the Hard Way
- Longevity Matters Many families aren’t in it for the long haul. SF has a pattern where couples arrive after getting engaged, stay through baby number one, and are definitely gone by baby number two. The cost of living makes this completely understandable. Practically speaking, I began asking early on whether someone has roots or commitments keeping them here before investing heavily. It might sound harsh, but so is building a friendship with someone who is already halfway out the door.
- Manage Your Expectations with Locals Some of my favorite mom friends were born and raised here. While I love these women, I’ve had to keep my expectations in check. They have family and friendships that are thirty years deep. I can’t reasonably expect to be in anyone’s “top five” (Remember those Myspace days??). I’ve learned to appreciate these friendships for what they are without measuring them against what they can’t be.
- The Preschool Hurdle Preschool was tough. I went above and beyond: I showed up to every event, introduced myself constantly, and brought the light humor. On multiple occasions, other moms would act like they had never seen me. I understand forgetting a name, but acting like you have zero recollection of my existence is a special kind of rude. Fortunately, Kindergarten gets better. By then, people have committed to where they’ve landed and you actually start finding your people.
- Prioritize Your “Before” Friends Don’t forget your friends from before kids. These people know the real you—the person you were before the school schedules and snack bags. Whether they are moms on different timelines or friends who may never have kids, these connections are vital. It takes effort to keep them alive across different cities and life stages, but they are the ones who remind you that you exist outside of motherhood.
The Bottom Line
You will find your crew. It might be one or two people rather than ten, but they will be the right ones. Keep putting yourself out there, even when it’s exhausting. It pays off. As much as I occasionally resented those preschool activities, I did connect with one mom who is still a close friend today. Nothing worth having comes easy.